News : CDRC in the News

July 25th, 2008

by Judy Saul
originally printed in the Ithaca Journal

With any luck, you've not had a conflict with someone today. But chances are you've been in a conflict - maybe yesterday, last week or tomorrow. So what do you do when you are in conflict? Sometimes we ignore conflict, hoping it will go away. Other times we use our authority to get what we want, appropriately or not. Sometimes we threaten or try to overpower someone, hoping to overwhelm those who see things differently.

Often our first reaction is to stop communicating. That's where the Community Dispute Resolution Center can help. Our mediators are here to support people in facing their difficult conversations.

Mediation isn't usually the first thing people think of. It's not always comfortable sitting across the table from someone you're at odds with. It might feel easier to turn away rather than toward that person. Sometimes it's easier to have lawyers or judges tell us how to resolve our conflicts. But mediation asks us to come up with our own solutions. In 2007, more than 800 individuals made the decision to use mediation, making their own decisions and solving their own conflicts.

Why is mediation such a good choice in so many instances? We've collected information from some people who have mediated at CDRC to help us understand why they chose mediation and what value it added. We haven't attached names to the quotes since this information is drawn from confidential feedback provided by those who mediate.

Keep in mind, mediation does more than start a conversation; it fosters resolution. Last year, in 70 percent of the cases, those who mediated reached agreement on some or all of their issues. What kind of agreements do people reach? Some agree to clear the air of animosity, allowing them to plan for the future with clearer heads: "This was and still is a difficult situation. But we will now be able to approach it with a degree of civility that was not there before we mediated." Some agree to pay back money that they owe. Others take the opportunity to simply speak without raised voices or power plays. Others mediate agreements that are then filed in courts, as is often the case with parenting plans. This not only saves time and money but also allows caregivers to shape agreements in a safe place, where it is easier to deal with some pretty complicated situations. As one person said: "I appreciated not having to sit in a courtroom and discuss my child like a piece of property."

Mediation's value is not limited to agreements. Often, mediation changes how people interact because it gives people the chance to get calmer as they consider their situation. This usually happens after people have a chance to speak and be heard: "It let me get my emotions out and let the other person know how I felt (so that then) I could ask the questions I needed to ask." In fact, people often note that "The most important change was in my attitude and outlook." In addition, 60 percent of the people who mediated reported having a better sense of the other person's perspective.

One challenging aspect of mediation is that it requires that people make their own decisions. Though staff is clear about the mediator's role, it sometimes surprises people who assume the mediator is there to tell them what to do. One person said that before mediating, she thought the mediators would do more of the work. Instead, she reported "the difficulties needed to be worked through by us. The mediators helped us communicate with each other and, because of that, we resolved more than just the issue at hand. I experienced the mediators as witnesses to our conversation, which created a situation where we could be more honest with each other." Having this kind of watchful guidance also allows for more respectful communication and less time wasted in exchanging angry words or staying stuck on a certain point.

Next time you're in conflict, remember that CDRC is here to help. Talking things out in mediation may or may not be the best way to handle your particular situation. But our staff will talk to you about the value of mediating, as well as reach out to others involved in the conflict to explain mediation and see if they're willing to participate. If mediation is not the right choice or if others refuse, chances are good that our staff can still help you get clearer and sort out other options. Remember, talk works, and at CDRC we are here to help start the conversation.